Separation anxiety

Life is full of difficult choices and uncomfortable situations. When you make a personal decision to change your trajectory, other people are going to be affected. The stone in the pond metaphor becomes more and more relevant. A stone is dropped and the ripples of water begin to radiate. Sometimes the smallest of stones create an unexpected wave that just knocks me off balance.

Last week Dan dropped a stone. It was a mutual decision, but I let him drop it. This time it was a money stone, our annual allocation to the church. We’ve been members of the same church for years. We attended every Sunday. Our boys were confirmed into membership. We became more and more active, ultimately becoming church elders (first Dan, then me) chairing a committee. Members of that committee included a bunch of grumpy old men. What I learned from that experience as an elder was that bullies come in all ages and they certainly bullied me.

So we stopped attending regularly, then pretty much dropped it, but our giving continued because I always expected to go back. This year the pledge card arrived and we made the decision to redirect some of the money to the United Way and use the balance towards our relocation goal. For me, this meant I would not be going back, except for the occasional special event.

In theory this should not be too difficult, we had not been to a service for a long time. Dan sent the pledge card back with a note regarding our decision. Then we had dinner with good friends Jim and Sarah. Friends we’ve shared many a meal with, friends we’ve taken to the cottage, friends we’ve vacationed with, “default friends”. Jim delicately brought up a note he had received this week, from us, stating our decision to stop giving to the church.  He got this because he’s not just a friend, he’s also our minister.

There it was, in front of us and it needed to be discussed. We were stepping away from the church, but not from Jim and Sarah. Their friendship is cherished but the ripples from the stone in the pond had reached them, touched them, affected them. I felt the water slosh back and wash over me. There I sat, sharing bar food and drinks, smiling through tears.