Willow in the Wind

After almost 37 years of marriage and a heavy reliance on my husband to fix things, I don't even know where to begin. Dan, on the other hand, is heavy into processing the options...please enjoy the guest writer.

Many years ago in New Orleans I was talked into meeting with a tarot card reader/fortune teller. Other than fertilizer for the lawn, I have never spent $25 for such crap. After sifting through a few cards and asking a few silly questions, she announced, “You are very change averse.” That was the quote. The needle snapped off the BS meter as I left. “Me? Change averse?” I am the poster child for Willow In the Wind. I threw the comment off to the side for many years.

Recently, however, I have had to take a new look at those words. As much as it stings, I am the proud son of a hoarder. And the proud son of a neat freak. Somewhat like Robert Mitchum in Night of the Hunter, I have SAVE and TOSS tattooed metaphorically on my knuckles.

Paula laughs, but it is a painful place to live, and over the last few months it has been really tough. Selling/throwing out/giving away most of a lifetime’s worth of items to make the trip down here to Florida was agonizing for most of me, but liberating for two toes and a finger. But we are here—set up in 624 square feet of glory, surrounded by the few items that made the cut. No wonder the dog is happy Every Single Day--he made the cut. But that brings us to now.

We had a plan. It was a good plan, forged by many nights of discussion over many glasses of wine. We cannot look for a house until we have jobs. Anything else would be stupid. We need the MACRO vs. MICRO view of our situation. Team Johnson—stay focused on the goal. Plan the Dive and Dive the Plan. Deviation = Disaster. Ignore the small stuff for the greater good. MacArthur at Bataan.

Within three weeks we found a house. We have no jobs. We have an accepted offer. We are idiots.

Today we met with a home inspector, as well as an Electrical and Plumbing contractor, and an Engineer to look at the massive code violations we learned about this week after a one-on-one with the city Building Inspector. Until today we were unaware of the ongoing termite damage to the foundation and attic, the exterior walls pulling away from the central roof joists, the bits of concrete and shit packed under the floorboards to make the floors feel solid. Did you know that the color of termite poop shows what they are currently eating? On today’s menu: Subfloor!

The logical, calm prospective buyer would run, I tell you, run away. But I stood on the roof--which was as soft as a mattress--then went down the ladder to look into the crawlspace at the joists that had been wood, but were now a cellulose version of Swiss cheese. The hand that spelled out SAVE was throbbing. The TOSS hand cowered.

Now that five certified building experts have said, “Umm, have you thought about buying it, tearing it down and starting over?” there is a really small voice in my head that is hesitantly suggesting “Ummm, sorry to bother you, but have you thought about tearing this shack down and starting over?” SAVE hand reaches for the throat. TOSS hand deflects the blow. New voice sings "All you have to change is everything you are."

We have 14 more days to complete our inspections and conclude an offer, or walk away. The neighborhood is super cool. The guesthouse—if we can get an after-the-fact use permit for it, rocks. The main house has one outstanding feature—it’s flammable. (I AM SOOO KIDDING! SERIOUSLY STATE FARM, CAN’T YOU TAKE A JOKE?)

Lots of talking in our future.

We are on a Great Adventure. We have never been closer as a couple, and that has had good and not-so-good implications. We will never look back on the last few months as being great times. But if we can pull this off… If we can turn this termite mound into the home we know it can be…If we can be sitting by the side of the pool in a year or so next to a cool guest house and a revamped home…If we are regulars at a few of the places on Main Street, Safety Harbor, Florida—2.3 blocks away—then we win. Hands down.

Music that resonates:

Hazard to Myself - Pink