Dive buddies

I’ve taken a bit of time off from the blog, not because I didn’t have anything to say, but because I didn’t know what to say. And because this time the topic isn’t about me, except that it is, as my sister wisely pointed out. Dan and I have had a lot going on. Well, Dan mostly. I’ve pictured myself as standing off to the side in a supporting role.

After working for the same company for 24 ½ years, Dan has left employment. The last year and a half were challenging for him – a new manager, new expectations and what seemed to me, a constantly moving definition of success. This culminated in a conversation about how he needed to be “meaner” to his employees. Dan needed to be “meaner”. You might as well ask him to go out and shoot dogs. This is a man who for years was called “the reaper” because he’d (appropriately and respectfully) clear the dead wood out of areas he managed. He fired people, and they thanked him for doing it.

If you’ve ever had to watch the steady beat down of someone you love, at the hands of someone you have no influence over, you know painful it is, and how helpless you are. Dan came home and said, “He told me I need to be meaner to my people. My guys.”

OK, reality check, please! I called bullshit, with some authority. I work for a company that pays ME to make sure every employee gets the opportunity to answer a survey about their level of engagement with the company, the effectiveness of their leaders, opportunities for development, recognition…I could go on. In managing this program and the support that follows, never once have I encountered, in any of the research, the “mean is the new way to drive performance and retain employees” strategy. No, its just twisted bullshit.

It was time for Dan to go and I pushed for a fast decision and quick removal from the toxic environment. They came to a mutual accord and he’s done. And it’s funny, but that whole “door closes, window opens” thing is so true. Two hours before signing the severance papers he got an offer from an out of state company, and later that day, a big interview locally.

The local job is interesting—a former employee who, when asked if he could describe his ideal manager, said “I can drive you to his house.” A former employee Dan had nurtured and encouraged.  A former employee, who Dan had figuratively held his hand during a mock interview to make sure his confidence was in place for a promotion. A former employee who got fed up and left for another firm. A former coworker who, on hearing Dan was leaving, told his current management team they needed to interview him--now. That interview happens later this week.

But in the meantime, you don’t undergo that kind of mental manipulation for a year and a half without it inflicting some damage. Dan’s confidence was at an all time low and he was second-guessing every decision. Plus he needed time to mourn the loss of a 24+ year relationship. Throughout this whole process I continued to do what I could to buoy his spirits and calm his concerns, but felt I was hardly helping. I kept reaching out, but we weren’t connecting. We were both looking forward to our annual diving vacation – sitting by the pool, scuba diving daily and enjoying an all-inclusive felt needed and restorative.

The thing about diving though, is that it requires a touch of hubris and leap of faith. After a year away from the depths we signed up for the pool check. Dan accomplished all the tasks without difficulty, but I could see that he was shaky and so could the dive master. That afternoon we had two shallow dives and Dan struggled to descend on the first dive. Sitting at 30 feet I could see he and the dive master talking, then the boat came and picked him up. I decided not to ascend because I knew that would make him feel worse (I was right). 

Scott, dive master extraordinaire

The group came out of the water and I boarded the dive boat first. Dan was sitting there and I could tell by the look on his face he was done for the day. Our dive master Scott would have none of it, coming up out of the water last, he announced we would all make the second descent. This very intuitive and kind man, (who had recently left the world of banking for a more meaningful career in diving) took Dan aside and spoke to him calmly and reassuringly. They chatted for a bit and Dan prepped his gear. We jumped in again and Scott stayed with Dan as they made a slow, easy descent. He swam with him for about five minutes before Dan assured him that he was good. We all continued on the dive.

On the last dive day, Dan and I descended together. We swam along with the group and as we neared the 45-minute mark, Dan motioned that he soon be at low air. I checked my tank and had plenty. I swam over to Dan, reached out grabbing his hand, exerting energy and using my air more rapidly to ensure that we both had more bottom time. It’s what a nice dive buddy does; Dan has done this for me so many times.

I think there’s a life lesson in this. You don’t dive alone, and most people aren’t hermits. What you bring to relationships will be reflected back to you - whether in life, in love or in business. The definition of “meaner” is 1) offensive, selfish, or unaccommodating; nasty; malicious, or 2) small-minded or ignoble, or 3) penurious, stingy, or miserly, or 4) inferior in grade, quality, or character, or 5) low in status, rank, or dignity.

I’ll take nice any day. And in a dive buddy and life-long partner? Absolutely.

Music that resonates:
Through the years - Kenny Rogers