Do it yourself, Atomic Boy!

Never let it be said that after 32+ years of marriage there are no surprises. The title “Do it yourself, Atomic Boy!” denotes at least 3 things. “Atomic boy” - no matter what haircuts our children had over the summer, before school we would give them a clipper and allow them to cut it off themselves. This usually resulted in random tufts of hair reminiscent of those poor souls who had endured overdoses of radiation, thus “atomic boy”. The “do it yourself” alludes to the children cutting off their own hair. It also reflects the fact that it cost us nothing to do. This starts my story.

Prior to our last vacation at Fantasy Fest in Key West I had a critical area of my anatomy “cleaned-up”. This involved making an appointment, showing up for the appointment, and actually having the waxing procedure completed. At 53, I’m old school, so this was a surprise for Dan. I thought it might be fun if he undergo the same procedure, after witnessing the results first hand on a clothing optional cruise during Fantasy Fest 2010 in Key West. I suggested the same spa and trained professional, which would result in a $50 expense, including tip.

We were invited to a party for New Years Eve by a fun couple we met at Fantasy Fest. After many hours of laughter, wine and Jaeger, we found ourselves naked, in the hot-tub. While we had a wonderful “vanilla-teaser”* time, it was clear that Dan was different from the other two guys in the tub. And not just because they were sporting Anacondas. When we got home I again suggested that before next year’s Fantasy Fest Dan accompany me to the spa. I didn’t expect anything until the leaves began to turn next fall…little did I know that branches would be stripped far sooner…

Tonight, walking to spontaneous Thursday night at Hectors, I noticed that Dan seemed to be limping more than he should have after a 3 mile run. I chose not to say anything, thinking he was perhaps tired after a long day at the office. But as we walked through the doors he confessed he would need help finishing an “oh so special project”.

Dan had purchased the “Extra Strength Brazilian Bikini Waxing & Shaping Kit”. It included a scissors, mirror, some bamboo sticks, a tub of wax and some soothing gel. "Natural Botanicals help relax & soften hair at the root for easy, complete removal."

Throughout dinner I could only drink my Margaritas and wonder what damage had been done. It was only on the walk home that Dan showed me the burn he had suffered on his arm. This is when I initially peed my pants. I will be channeling Dan from here:

"The instructions said to microwave the Brazilian Bikini Wax for 30 seconds. After 30 seconds there was no effect on the wax. The instructions were specific—do not microwave it for more than 60 seconds. The Brazilians clearly have no concept of time. After 90 seconds the wax was still “rock hard”. Standing naked in my kitchen I grew frustrated. I took the jar of wax from the microwave and stabbed it with the bamboo stick. It exploded, silently, splashing boiling hot wax all over my right hand and arm.

I immediately ran the burns under cold water. The wax turned to cement. I should have paid more attention because the instructions were very clear about removing the wax before it got ROCK HARD!

The instructions also noted that the maximum area that wax should be applied was 2” X 2”. I was in a rush, and now that the wax had stopped boiling, I needed to move quickly. I covered a good third of Dan Territory with a thick coating of warm, sweet smelling goo. I awaited the magic.  Moments later it was time. I grabbed the edge of the rapidly solidifying wax and pulled. jesus fucking christ, pain, so much pain. I counted to 3 and on the count of 3 I counted to 3. Eventually, I tore the alien from my loins. It had 500 legs! A patch of Dan that last saw the light of day in the third grade looked up at me and asked ‘why? why?’. I put the bamboo paddle back in the bucket, deciding that a smaller patch might work better.

As many of you may know, our son is a huge fan of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Toward the end of that book Ford Prefect meets the designer of Earth One, and all of those beautiful Fjords. ‘All of the little crinkly edges.’ Having never looked closely at my own scrotum, in hindsight, smearing hot adhesive into the tiny crevices of the most tender spot of my own body was ill advised. While I debated (she’ll never notice) leaving the last hunks of rock-hard goo stuck to my privates I said a silent prayer and, John Wayne-like, yanked them from my body. The sight of blood made my hands shake, and I retreated to the safety of the gym and treadmill."

Ahem.

We arrived home from Hectors, me with wet pants, Dan in a state of tenderness. I assessed the damage and explained again why I had suggested a trip to the spa. His response? “That was almost eleven dollars!” I’m off now to assist in some repair work, then a quick kiss goodnight as Dan needs time to recover.

*Subject of future post – say tuned.